Showing posts with label together. Show all posts
Showing posts with label together. Show all posts

Friday, 27 February 2009

Confusion...Final Goodbyes

How it has come to this, I have never quite understood. Perhaps, i do. Logically, it is quite possible, in fact, inevitable that it came to this. I am sometimes tempted to be romantic -ok, rarely, but I sometimes am-(and for the sake of threading a perfect novel piece) to say that my heart don’t understand. But the truth is, my heart understands; in fact better than my mind. Months ago, even when laughter and conversation were ample, my heart had already began to beat the shuddery, shadowy beat. It is very much like music; if you were to listen carefully, you’ll hear the faint but definite background pulse going hand in hand with the main composition. That was precisely the case: the main tempo was the joyful, lighthearted beat (oh, how many times a day would I break into a laughter; crack a smile; lean on you and felt safe?) But vague and definite, the shadowy beat of guilt and uncertainty came along side the main tempo. Yes, my heart knew better; discerned better; in fact, much better than my mind would ever.

But it is precisely the sensitivity of the heart that makes it such a contradiction. It understands best for it is most sensitive to the changes in the tides of relationships: foreseeing these changes long before they occur; but yet, because of its sensitivity, it will hurt infinitely. The heart is a muscle, thus, it will ache; it will tire. The mind: a mass of nerves coldly detects, interprets and signals. It cannot tire or hurt.

And how i wished that my heart and my head worked together, flawlessly as a team: that the heart will sense and discern long before any disaster befall and the mind will logically persuade and convince the heart to evacuate from the place of danger. But alas! it is not so at all. The heart and mind, so often, so fantastically mix up their roles and play each other’s part that one is led to walk straigt into disaster, sit there in the middle of it all and not budge. The best part is: we tell ourselves, we have to endure and persevere through the pain. Now, you may wonder how is it possible that the heart and mind mix up their God given, divine roles? But is it not true? The mind does not properl our thoughts forward logically; instead it plays the nostalgic role of the heart and constantly stirs up memories of happier days, bad fights and should-have-been-long-forgotten-but-left-unforgotten pasts alike. And the heart? It illogically persuades and convinces us to make decisions and choose paths. No wonder we stay in the middle of crises to endure when all that we ever needed to do to stop the pain was to walk away.

Now, i have analysed the reason for pain; for sustained periods of gried and the factors that lead one to be “stuck in a moment” (U2) BUt is it of any practical use to me? Not quite. Except that i made a resolution to write this piece titled “Final Goodbyes” (Note: “goodbyes” not goodbye”. Because this is not the first time i said goodbye to this friendship or say it to you aprosophically and neither would it be the last. Until my mind and heart learn to play their own roles dutifully, uncompromisingly, and accurately, i will have to keep saying goodbyes)

“We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun”

How apt that everything is written in the past tense; but why then do we keep singing this song?

Because of the confusion of the heart and mind; that is why. And so we will just have to keep saying goodbyes.

Friday, 2 January 2009

Sunday morning love - I have a question

I have a question.
Should love be 'natural'?
have you ever met someone, and from the moment of your first words exchanged, it just seemed as if some kind of magic love dust had been sprinkled on the two of you exclusively? you immediately clicked, as if there was just an undeniable connection that the two of you shared, along with cohesive views on life and love, cracking up at the same corny jokes, even bonding over your mutual obsession with butterfinger ice cream and the CNN political news ticker.
well, due to certain events of the last month of my life regarding my relationship, and the relationships of my friends, and coworkers, i have been thinking very heavily about this whole 'love is hard work' thing. call me an idealist, but it seems to me that love should have a certain amount of 'natural feel' to it. it shouldn't be all work. now i know that of course keeping a relationship interesting and fresh and love new requires some work on both sides. but should it be ALL work? should it be a JOB just to love your partner with the same intensity as they love you? i have always been a believer in destiny and soul mates and finding your 'perfect match' (and i think there are several 'perfect matches' possible for any one person), so i guess that is why some things have been troubling me as of late. you see, i've experienced a natural love.
the kind of love where things just kind of fall into place. i've been in the 'just be' love. where the initial newness isn't the only time you feel like you're floating in the clouds. it doesn't just wear off with time because you two share the kind of intensity that people look at and say, 'damn.' if you disagree with each other, you can talk about it without someone's blood pressure rising.
now of course 'mama said there'd be days like this', but how many days like this is one too many? how many arguments based on your core differences/beliefs is just too much? how far of a gap can there be between your similarities and personalities and compatibility before you say "you know what, we just aren't meant to be."
i do believe that marriage is hard work. but that's understandable. when you get married, several other factors are involved. you have bills together, accounts, mortgages, children, legal documents. so i can understand why people say that 'marriage is hard work.'
but should the love itself be just as hard? is it okay to settle for a good relationship with a good mate....or should we all be striving for a great relationship with your soul mate? how much work should you invest?
is it possible to 'grow' to love someone as intensely as you would if it just happened 'naturally'? maybe i'm delusional.
maybe i've just been fortunate in my experiences with love. maybe i'm just being foolish. i just have to believe (because i've been there) that 'easy' love does exist. easy like sunday morning...or at least sunday evening :) that's what i want. more importantly, that's what i deserve. the question is, is it possible to build that....or is that something that fate decides? i wrote this poem a while ago, but i can't say it doesn't still apply to some degree.

the missing piece

there is a piece missing...
i should feel tipsy, right?
the love bug should FEEL like something, right?
the automatic flick of the switch in my heart should click, right?
where are the butterflies?
sweet hellos, long goodbyes?
smiles, hugs, cuddles, adoring stares?
-did i miss something?-
shouldn't there be moments?
time stops, heart drops, outside world fades lost in love?
where are the long walks in the sand on the beach
with interlocked fingers and hearts? where is it?
candlelit dinners, poetry sharing, museum exhibits..
naked beauty at 3am with strong arms,
mind, spirit telling me i'm beautiful...
-where did it go? was it ever here?-
soul searching 6am, bible study,
and church at 10 comforting silences,
stolen glances, sexy ear whispers in crowded rooms.
shoulders to cry on in bad times
arms to jump into in celebration
encouraging, believing, achieving.... together
-SOMETHING is definitely missing-
long heart to hearts have been lost in our busy lives
no time for relationship matters
'just because' gifts morphed into 'i'm sorry i forgot, i'll make it up' promises
gone are the cherrystrawberry aphrodisiac picnics at sunset
rollerblading on the strip..
whenever, wherever, i want you NOW passion..
lip biting, sheet grabbing, sweat dripping explosions of nature....
-where is it, dammit?-
intelligent convo, subjects politics,
self-awareness, society strong morals, opinions,
respect for each other....
home training, home cooking, home making..
working hard to provide, but still making time to rub my feet...
beautiful poetry flowing..
speaks only positivity towards me..
-i am seriously missing something-
strong black man...
got my back AND my front i got his too..
handles his business boardroom to bedroom
from hello mr..
to whaddup my nicca!
got his shit together..
vibing to the roots, jay z, aerosmith and coltrane
without missing a beat
real man.
real woman.
best friends.
the missing piece of my life..
-where is it?-
not here.
excitement, passion, longing
have all fled a shell of what we used to be...
a photo album of happier times is all that remains...
very 'significant other' has become under appreciated 'spouse'
need to find my missing link..
yin to my yang..
i know it's out there...
just have to find it....
my missing piece.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Chit - episodul Road Trip


Buna dimineata, soare!
Sunt intr-un net cafe, ca loserii, scriu pe blog. Da, scriu pe blog dintr-un net cafe de pe Victoriei. Abia astept sa termin ca sa o iau spre terasa, sa citesc si sa beau ceva rrrrece. Dar pana una alta...Sa stiti ca e cald, al dracu`.
Mie-mi cam vine sa ma sufoc. Si nu e de-aia. Nu de la caldura neaparat. Ca in net cafe-ul in care ma aflu temperatura e mai mult decat ok.
Am un ventilator exact in spatele meu. E mirific. Ca si cum ai da drumul la clima si toata raceala ar veni pe tine, in timp ce soarele iti bate pe capota ca un nesimtit ce incearca sa topeasca metalele. Nu stiu de ce. Inca persista putin starea aceea tampita despre care n-am vorbit pe blog, dar probabil s-a simtit, in entry-urile din ultima perioada.
Am pornit acum cateva zile cu prietenul meu...la drum. Am fost cateva zile la niste bai termale, la Geoagiu, frumos, pasnic, precum pensionarii, niciun stress. Apoi am pornit iar la drum. Transfagarasanul facut duminica dupa-masa a echivalat cu stress-ul pt o saptamana intreaga. Embouteillage (adica ambuteiaj, sa se-nteleaga) ca la Romanica acasa, cu cefe late si miros de mici, asta cand nu se simtea alt miros, si mai pitoresc. Sus e frumos, nu zic, dar pana ajungi acolo, te ia naiba. Am vazut oameni care cica s-au dus la munte. Halal munte...si-au postat cortul la margine de drum, la juma` de metru de strada pe care circula fara numar masini nervoase zi de zi. Numai un cretin poate face asta. Dar mi-am dat seama ca nu numai unul poate. Ci o gramada. Cortul pus la niscaiva centrimetri de autostrada, cu background sonor gratis produs de masini, featuring manele cu salam si alte nume mari, micul alaturi de manea in gura, o mana pe burta iubitei prelinsa peste pantalonii din piata, cu chip eminescian (not) - iubita, zic-, ailalta mana in pantaloni, sa fixeze jucaria si orgoliul....sau, cazul doi, pe propria burta, in semn de avutie si respect, man. Self-respect, ca si un fel de self-esteem, dar cu accente gipsane. Cred ca atunci cand vorbim de specia asta, cuvantul "stima", care vine din frantuzescul estime, are o tinuta prea nobiliara. In schimb, "respect" duce cu gandul la comedia lui Ali G, la ghetto-urile din Brooklin si Sounth Central, la Ferentari, la baEtii adevarati etc.
Dar trecem peste. A-propos de drum si de obiceiuri proaste...mi-am dat seama ca la drum poti cunoaste un om destul de bine. In sensul ca atunci cand conduci singur, ti se rupe de toti si toate, nu prea conteaza nimic, decat sa-ti vezi de drum. Dar cand mai ai pe cineva in dreapta (se poate generaliza: cand mai ai pe cineva in masina, fie unul sau mai multi), se schimba treburile.
Scena are parte de doua analize pt ca exista doua planuri ce se intrepatrund. O data e soferul, in cazul meu un el, prietenul meu. Doi, ocupantul locului din dreapta, in cazul meu, subsemnata.
In primul rand, e adrenalina. Depasirile ce te tin alive, cu sufletul la gura, precum stirile despre Liga lui Mitica. Ma rog, mai mult sau mai putin... (CFR-Craiova, egal, ieri, a-propos). Ideea e ca simti ca traiesti. Si ca oricand se poate ajunge la proba contrarie. In conditiile astea, pt cel din dreapta e foarte reconfortant cand soferul o lasa mai moale. Cand evita depasirile nasole, la muchie de cutit. Cel din dreapta are in cap ca soferului ii pasa de viata lui. Ceea ce poate fi adevarat. Cel din stanga spera ca cel din dreapta apreciaza, mai ales ca dansul ar conduce muuult mai in viteza daca scaunul din dreapta nu ar fi ocupat. Dar cum si-a dovedit deja talentul la sofat, e ok...are deja doua buline rosii: sofer bun si iubit grijului.
Cea din dreapta a avut parte de senzatii tari si acum e magulita de atentia ce se acorda vietii dansei.
Apoi e comunicarea. Directa sau indirecta. Cea directa, destul de anodina. Si fara contact vizual. Cel din dreapta se cam enerveaza ("pana mea, nu vrei sa te mai si uiti din cand in cand la mine?"). Soferul la fel ("N-ai vrea sa taci, ca sa pot sa conduc linistit?"). Gandite, dar nu spuse. Ce iese pe gura: "Ce-ar fi sa schimbi si tu cd-ul ala?", "Nu mai fa toata masina cu zeama de-aia", "Inchide geamul ca se incalzeste masina, nu degeaba avem air con". De dincolo: "Nici nu l-am ascultat pe tot. Iarasi Parazitii?", "N-am manjit nimic, termina cu figurile", "Am vrut sa arunc un fir de par, nu au intrat gradele de-afara in masina intr-o secunda. Dup-aia faci gat ca gasesti par de-al meu in masina." Cea indirecta nu se produce intre cei din masina. Cand cea directa a umplut paharul, din motive de evitare a unui conflict de proportii(deja cel latent risca sa dea pe-afara) se trece la : "Gatu` ma-tii de bou, ce stai pe banda din stanga daca mergi cu 40?", "Mortii ma-tii, misca-te!", "Cine dracu ti-a dat tie carnet, mai puta?" si ma opresc aici ca poate intra minori pe blog. De baricada cealalta: "It`s juts meeee and ma puppy....together we`re so very `appy....!!! la-la-la-la....", semn clar de draci. Feed-back: "Schimba si tu cd-ul asta, n-auzi cat de e gay?". Mai ma leshi?!
Apoi trece o ora de tacere. Eu mai atipesc. El mai baga o tura de 160 la ora, ca tot nu-l vede nimeni. Si apoi o frana brusca. Ma trezesc. O mana de-a soferului pe o mana de-a mea. Eu asa retin ca mainile mele erau incrucisate inainte de atipire, in semn de warning si protest. Nu stiu cum le-am deznodat. Anyway...
"Uite ce casa misto!" Dupa doua minute: "Unde?"..."Lasa..."
s.a.m.d.
Pare nasol, nu?
Pai nu e deloc.
Soferul isi tine mintea ocupata, chiar daca da semne ca nu e asa. Toate onomatopeele alea si frazele monosilabice si privirile de cal atintite exclusiv asupra soselei...nu-s decat un alt mod de a tine si mintea celui din dreapta ocupata.
Asa, ca sa fim chit.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Sssilence!

Buna dimineata.
Astazi vorbim despre necuvinte. Despre liniste. Despre vid. N-or fi ele tocmai sinonime, dar se leaga. Azi.
Desi nu e o noutate, aflam ca femeile vorbesc, in medie, de trei ori mai mult decat barbatii. O femeie obisnuita rosteste circa 20 000 de “cuvinte” (forme de comunicare ce includ cuvintele propriu-zise, sunete si gesturi) pe zi, cu 13 000 mai mult decat un barbat. Se pare ca diferentele apar inca din stadiul de fetus (in burta lu’ mama) cand creierul se dezvolta in mod diferit la baieti si la fete, in functie de cantitatea de hormoni. Exista avantaje si dezavantaje. Bineinteles ca a vorbi mult nu inseamna a vorbi si bine… Tot ceea ce o femeie spune in 1 000 de cuvinte poate fi rezumat de catre un barbat in doar 100, esenta fiind aceeasi si discursul mai coerent… Dar are cineva tupeul sa le spuna sa taca?!?

Cam astea sunt aparentele.

Trec la un alt soi de tacere acum. Si va rog sa va stergeti zambetele de pe fata, it`s a serious matter here.
Aseara, undeva nu departe de miezul noptii, ma loveste brutal un gand urat. Si anume acela ca in cuplul din care fac parte vorbeste numai o jumatate. Si aceea sunt eu. O retrospectiva mentala rapida imi releva faptul ca exista uneori si jumatati de ora in care numai vocea mea se aude. Feed-back? Da, se poate. But not necessarily. Si daca e, e unul scurt si adesea insuficient. Evident, sunt femeie, e normal sa vorbesc mai mult. Dar nu e normal sa te simti rau cand te gandesti ca vorbesti mult. Si aici dezvolt.
Sa fie clar, este exclus sa luam in considerare tacerea benefica, cea inaltatoare, care te face din bou - filozof, sau cea care iti vindeca sufletul & all that stuff.
Vine o vreme, cand tu, ca si emitator...astepti ceva. Astepti sa mai si vina cate-un mesaj, ca ale tale, pe care le tot emiti intr-una, se mai si termina.
Si se pune problema in felurite moduri, care mai de care mai paranoia pt mintea unei femei aflate imediat dupa "acea perioada".
Sa fie faptul ca nu spun nimic, de fapt, desi vorbesc de ceva vreme? Da, se poate. Dar imi vine greu sa cred ca nu spun NICIODATA nimic relevant. Si m-ar deranja sa nu mi se atraga atentia: "Iubito, vorbesti de o ora si nu spui nimic. Ori taci, ori proceseaza informatia inainte sa o ambalezi in cuvinte si sa mi-o servesti".
Sa fie faptul ca intrlocutorul e obosit si efectiv nu are chef de mine? Sigur, dar atunci nu iti faci de lucru cu persoana care iti toaca creierii, te duci frumos acasa si te culci, faci o activitate relaxanta, te deconectezi de la sursa de stress, in niciun caz nu o inviti in oras.
Sa fie incapacitatea emitatorului de a capta mesajele interlocutorului? Sa nu fiu eu apta sa ascult si sa fiu de folos cand are omul ceva de spus?
Ma tem ca asta e. E o anumita diferenta de firi, poate si de mentalitate, de generatie. Niciodata nu m-am temut de diferente, de distante. Dar cand tacerea insasi impune o distanta, e rau.
Asa ca de aseara am tacut. In semn de protest, de nervi, de oboseala, de "let`s see what happens". Desigur, experimentul a dat roade. In sensul ca s-a asternut tacerea totala, nu doar cea pe jumatate. Totul a devenit sterp, aerul - greu de respirat, eu am simtit ca ma sufoc...Ne-am continuat activitatile, minus una. Totul a mers mai departe normal, doar ca fara background sonor. Absolut, s-a simtit de ambele parti linistea. Una grea, inecata in intrebari "care-i faza?", "ce-i cu tine", "e totul ok?". Una insuportabila pt mine, generatoare de intrebari pt el. Dar si intrebarile astea presupun tot - taraaaaa! - COmunicare. Observati prefixul CO. Si cei care taceti prea mult, meditati.
Apoi te trezesti dimineata in tacere si iti vine sa urli. Si orgoliul iti spune: "Silence!". Mie asa mi-a zis.
Damn it.

Imi place linistea. Dar nu in doi. Si nu vreau sa devin o jucarie care emite sunete in gol fara sa primeasca ceva in schimb. Personal, practic unconditional love. Dar nu si unconditional talk. Lipsa de feed back o iau ca pe un afront personal, oricat de jalnic suna asta. E dovada vie a proastei consideratii de care ai parte. Aseaman un cuplu care comunica pe jumatate (ar trebui sa elimin "co"-ul si sa zic doar "munica") cu o paralizie. E ca si cum o jumatate a unui corp ar fi paralizata. Si paralizia se extinde, incet-incet, spre partea sanatoasa. Si iaca-ta, dintr-un lucru frumos si sanatos, devine ceva urat si maladiv.
Exista relatii in care e o acuta lipsa de iubire. De respect. De incredere. De umor. De timp. De sex. Nu e cea in cauza.
A mea duce lipsa de sunet, momentan. Let`s hope it`s a temporary problem.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Morning detail


5:00 AM. Ceasul suna. 5:10 AM. Suna din nou. 5:20 AM. 5:30 AM. Intr-un final, ne trezim la 5:45 AM. Avionul pleaca peste exact o ora. Incepe agitatia. De fiecare data e la fel. Am oroare de avionul asta de 6:45, manca-i-as sufletu`. Eu - morocanoasa si putin pe o alta planeta, ma ridic si impatur hainele lui inca neuscate, el se spala pe dinti, se imbraca, ma pupa, pleaca. Nu o data a plecat avionul fara el, deci teroarea e familiara.
Eu am patit nu o data sa pierd un tren care a plecat chiar in fata mea. Ultima oara s-a intamplat in iarna, intr-o dimineata geroasa, la Busteni. Senzatia asta ca-ti scapa lucrurile e crunta. A prins avionul, luckily.
Niciodata nu m-am gandit la plecari/despartiri&co. ca si la ceva tragic sau macar dureros. To be honest, nu sunt tocmai o romanticoasa, vad practic lucrurile. Pleaca omul, vine omul, intre timp mai creste dorul, ideal ca sa ramana vie o relatie.
Legat de dimineata, sa va zic ce-mi place mie sa fac. N-am sa detaliez chiar totul, though :p
Imi place sa ma trezesc devreme, sa fac primul dus al zilei -rece, evident- , sa ies pe balcon sa ma usc la vantul rece de afara, apoi verific mail-uri sau ma duc sa imi iau ziarul si il citesc, toate astea inainte de 7:30-8:00. Eventual mananc. Ma imbrac. Poate ma machiez. Plec.
Nimic din astea nu se aplica, sau se aplica partial, sau topica e schimbata, cand nu sunt singura. Ne trezim, intr-un caz fericit deodata, dar, de obicei, eu - ultima. Se mai sta minim o jumatate de ora in pat, se face dus, ori unul dublu, ori doua, separat, se haleste, se verifica mail-uri, se pleaca. Stau si ma intreb ce ar fi daca astea s-ar intampla zilnic. Si da, e o intrebare retorica, dar astept raspuns. Il astept de la mine. Era o vreme cand femeile "independente" - ele insele se autointituleaza astfel - erau tare la moda. Cred ca inca se poarta, aud des fete laudandu-se ca sunt independente, ca nu depind de nimic si nimeni, ca singuratatea e un atu de neegalat, ca faptul ca "nu te fute nimeni la creier e misto, fata". Dar, sa fiu sincera, dependenta asta de diminetile alaturi de the one e reconfortanta. Pentru cei/cele singuri/singure, pentru burlacii inraiti, pentru carieriste, pentru oamenii care au trait mult timp singuri e foarte infricostoare imaginea unui cuplu, dimineata. Si pentru mine este, daca o pun pe repeat 365 de dimineti pe an. Micul dejun, impartitul baii, trasul nasului puternic in baie (la barbat), apoi flegma cu efect direct in chiuveta (cei neciopliti poate chiar uita sa o inlature de pe faianta cu apa...yuck!), pingalitul femeii in oglinda, storsul cosurilor, admiratul sau deplangerea fundului (lasat/prea mare/cu celulita/mic, prea bombat/ prea nu-stiu-cum) in oglinda, toate astea sunt chestii care nu sunt usor de impartasit cu oricine. Poti sa ai o relatie perfecta, dar...vorba aia, fiecare cu jucaria lui. Tu la tine, eu la mine, impreuna - un fiasco. Eu mi-am descoperit chiar un talent ascuns in ceea ce priveste gastronomia, de cand cu trezitul asta in duet. Gastronomia de dimineata, zic. E o ramura speciala, nu va speriati, nu ma haladesc la lucruri prea laborioase, ma limitez la omleta, sandwich-uri, salate, deschis iaurturi, nu ma dezmint atat de simplu de la titulatura de anti-talent gospodaresc.
Daca cuget putin, independenta nu are nimic de-a face cu trezitul alaturi de cineva drag, dimineata, desi poate parea scary, prea incarcat de seriozitate, de constrangeri...Ca un mic detaliu, azi parca n-a fost completa dimineata fara servitul micului dejun in doi. Incep sa am un dinte pentru avionul asta de ora 6 AM.
PS - Si mai ciudat e ca niciodata nu m-am enervat cand trebuia sa astept schimbul de tura la baie, desi baia e regatul pe care urasc sa-l impart cu cineva. Dar desigur, aici nu se vorbeste despre oricine :)

Sunday, 23 December 2007

Psyche and Cupid - The End of the Story

As she leaned the lamp over to have a better view of his face, a drop of burning oil fell on the shoulder of the god. Startled, he opened his eyes and fixed them upon her. Then, without saying a word, he spread his white wings and flew out of the window. Psyche, in vain endeavoring to follow him, fell from the window to the ground.

Cupid, beholding her as she lay in the dust, stopped his flight for an instant and said, "Oh foolish Psyche, is it thus you repay my love? After I disobeyed my mother's commands and made you my wife, will you think me a monster and cut off my head? But go; return to your sisters, whose advice you seem to think preferable to mine. I inflict no other punishment on you than to leave you for ever. Love cannot dwell with suspicion." So saying, he fled away, leaving poor Psyche prostrate on the ground, filling the place with mournful lamentations.

When she had recovered some degree of composure she looked around her, but the palace and gardens had vanished, and she found herself in the open field not far from the city where her sisters dwelt. She repaired thither and told them the whole story of her misfortunes, at which, pretending to grieve, those spiteful creatures inwardly rejoiced.

"For now," said they, "he will perhaps choose one of us." With this idea, without saying a word of her intentions, each of them rose early the next morning and ascended the mountain, and having reached the top, called upon Zephyr to receive her and bear her to his lord; then leaping up, and not being sustained by Zephyr, fell down the precipice and was dashed to pieces.

Psyche meanwhile wandered day and night, without food or repose, in search of her husband. Casting her eyes on a lofty mountain having on its brow a magnificent temple, she sighed and said to herself, "Perhaps my love, my lord, inhabits there," and directed her steps thither.

She had no sooner entered than she saw heaps of corn, some in loose ears and some in sheaves, with mingled ears of barley. Scattered about, lay sickles and rakes, and all the instruments of harvest, without order, as if thrown carelessly out of the weary reapers' hands in the sultry hours of the day.

This unseemly confusion the pious Psyche put an end to, by separating and sorting everything to its proper place and kind, believing that she ought to neglect none of the gods, but endeavor by her piety to engage them all in her behalf. The holy Ceres, whose temple it was, finding her so religiously employed, thus spoke to her, "Oh Psyche, truly worthy of our pity, though I cannot shield you from the frowns of Venus, yet I can teach you how best to allay her displeasure. Go, then, and voluntarily surrender yourself to your lady and sovereign, and try by modesty and submission to win her forgiveness, and perhaps her favor will restore you the husband you have lost."

Psyche obeyed the commands of Ceres and took her way to the temple of Venus, endeavoring to fortify her mind and ruminating on what she should say and how best propitiate the angry goddess, feeling that the issue was doubtful and perhaps fatal.

Venus received her with angry countenance. "Most undutiful and faithless of servants," said she, "do you at last remember that you really have a mistress? Or have you rather come to see your sick husband, yet laid up of the wound given him by his loving wife? You are so ill favored and disagreeable that the only way you can merit your lover must be by dint of industry and diligence. I will make trial of your housewifery." Then she ordered Psyche to be led to the storehouse of her temple, where was laid up a great quantity of wheat, barley, millet, vetches, beans, and lentils prepared for food for her pigeons, and said, "Take and separate all these grains, putting all of the same kind in a parcel by themselves, and see that you get it done before evening." Then Venus departed and left her to her task.

But Psyche, in a perfect consternation at the enormous work, sat stupid and silent, without moving a finger to the inextricable heap.

While she sat despairing, Cupid stirred up the little ant, a native of the fields, to take compassion on her. The leader of the anthill, followed by whole hosts of his six-legged subjects, approached the heap, and with the utmost diligence taking grain by grain, they separated the pile, sorting each kind to its parcel; and when it was all done, they vanished out of sight in a moment.

Venus at the approach of twilight returned from the banquet of the gods, breathing odors and crowned with roses. Seeing the task done, she exclaimed, "This is no work of yours, wicked one, but his, whom to your own and his misfortune you have enticed." So saying, she threw her a piece of black bread for her supper and went away.

Next morning Venus ordered Psyche to be called and said to her, "Behold yonder grove which stretches along the margin of the water. There you will find sheep feeding without a shepherd, with golden-shining fleeces on their backs. Go, fetch me a sample of that precious wool gathered from every one of their fleeces."

Psyche obediently went to the riverside, prepared to do her best to execute the command. But the river god inspired the reeds with harmonious murmurs, which seemed to say, "Oh maiden, severely tried, tempt not the dangerous flood, nor venture among the formidable rams on the other side, for as long as they are under the influence of the rising sun, they burn with a cruel rage to destroy mortals with their sharp horns or rude teeth. But when the noontide sun has driven the cattle to the shade, and the serene spirit of the flood has lulled them to rest, you may then cross in safety, and you will find the woolly gold sticking to the bushes and the trunks of the trees."

Thus the compassionate river god gave Psyche instructions how to accomplish her task, and by observing his directions she soon returned to Venus with her arms full of the golden fleece; but she received not the approbation of her implacable mistress, who said, "I know very well it is by none of your own doings that you have succeeded in this task, and I am not satisfied yet that you have any capacity to make yourself useful. But I have another task for you. Here, take this box and go your way to the infernal shades, and give this box to Proserpine and say, 'My mistress Venus desires you to send her a little of your beauty, for in tending her sick son she has lost some of her own.' Be not too long on your errand, for I must paint myself with it to appear at the circle of the gods and goddesses this evening."

Psyche was now satisfied that her destruction was at hand, being obliged to go with her own feet directly down to Erebus. Wherefore, to make no delay of what was not to be avoided, she goes to the top of a high tower to precipitate herself headlong, thus to descend the shortest way to the shades below. But a voice from the tower said to her, "Why, poor unlucky girl, do you design to put an end to your days in so dreadful a manner? And what cowardice makes you sink under this last danger who have been so miraculously supported in all your former?" Then the voice told her how by a certain cave she might reach the realms of Pluto, and how to avoid all the dangers of the road, to pass by Cerberus, the three-headed dog, and prevail on Charon, the ferryman, to take her across the black river and bring her back again. But the voice added, "When Proserpine has given you the box filled with her beauty, of all things this is chiefly to be observed by you, that you never once open or look into the box nor allow your curiosity to pry into the treasure of the beauty of the goddesses."

Psyche, encouraged by this advice, obeyed it in all things, and taking heed to her ways traveled safely to the kingdom of Pluto. She was admitted to the palace of Proserpine, and without accepting the delicate seat or delicious banquet that was offered her, but contented with coarse bread for her food, she delivered her message from Venus. Presently the box was returned to her, shut and filled with the precious commodity. Then she returned the way she came, and glad was she to come out once more into the light of day.

But having got so far successfully through her dangerous task a longing desire seized her to examine the contents of the box. "What," said she, "shall I, the carrier of this divine beauty, not take the least bit to put on my cheeks to appear to more advantage in the eyes of my beloved husband!" So she carefully opened the box, but found nothing there of any beauty at all, but an infernal and truly Stygian sleep, which being thus set free from its prison, took possession of her, and she fell down in the midst of the road, a sleepy corpse without sense or motion.

But Cupid, being now recovered from his wound, and not able longer to bear the absence of his beloved Psyche, slipping through the smallest crack of the window of his chamber which happened to be left open, flew to the spot where Psyche lay, and gathering up the sleep from her body closed it again in the box, and waked Psyche with a light touch of one of his arrows. "Again," said he, "have you almost perished by the same curiosity. But now perform exactly the task imposed on you by my mother, and I will take care of the rest."

Then Cupid, as swift as lightning penetrating the heights of heaven, presented himself before Jupiter with his supplication. Jupiter lent a favoring ear, and pleaded the cause of the lovers so earnestly with Venus that he won her consent. On this he sent Mercury to bring Psyche up to the heavenly assembly, and when she arrived, handing her a cup of ambrosia, he said, "Drink this, Psyche, and be immortal; nor shall Cupid ever break away from the knot in which he is tied, but these nuptials shall be perpetual."

Thus Psyche became at last united to Cupid, and in due time they had a daughter born to them whose name was Pleasure.