N-am fost un fan al superbowl-ului niciodata, desi mania m-ar fi putut coplesi de cateva ori, data fiind densitatea de sport-freaks pe care ii am prin preajma. Azi dimineata totusi, mi-am dat seama ca depinde si de perspectiva, de data asa perspectiva cinematografica. Si parca am privit cu alti ochi.
Unii spun ca pentru a cunoaste un lucru, trebuie sa il privesti din toate unghiurile. Daca ai puterea sa-l privesti din 360 de unghiuri diferite, bravo tie, esti rabdator. Nu multi sunt cei perseverenti, asa ca majoritatea sfarsim prin a nu cunoaste in totalitate mai nimic. Pe de alta parte plombarea lacunelor cu te miri ce avem prin traistele noastre intelectuale chiar ne da impresia ca am ajuns la quintesenta acelui lucru si taddda, il cunoastem (discutia a cunoaste=a stapani se declara de pe acum deschisa).
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Momentan imi dau silinta sa invat sa grow young. Ar fi prematur sa spun ca mi-e frica de riduri si tate lasate, dar de cateva ori mi-am lasat blestemele sa curga asupra oglindei. Si a unghiului din care batea lumina. Finalmente toata treaba asta cu perspectiva e o mascare a unor scuze pe care le cautam ca sa justificam un pic mai brutalul inevitabil. Ce nu intelegem de multe ori e ca pana la "finalmente" mai este mult.
S-a dezbatut asta ieri, in timpul lunch break-ului cu un prieten.
aparent A + B + C = "The person doesn't give a flying crap"
unde A = X does not call you for three days
B = when X calls, X acts as if nothing's ever happened
C = X mentions no plans for the quickly-approaching Valentine's Day
S-au cautat scuze pentru emascularea sus-mentionatelor trivialitati, gen "I was busy anyway, I had no time to call X either" sau "I care diddly squat about Valentine's Day myself, so I'm quite happy X didn't mention anything about it anyway"
Asa nu!
I then understood how thin the thread between the "different angles" perception and the "lying to myself and finding excuses for something that's not ever gonna be worth it" perception.
Asadar, nu ca as incuraja vreodata amagirea de sine, dar daca tot ajungeti sa o faceti, faceti-o cand chiar aveti motive intemeiate. Cand sunteti hopeless si a te multumi cu ORICE e singura ancora pe care o mai aveti ca sa va mentineti self-esteem-ul.
Se prea poate ca tonul mesianic al acestui articol sa va aminteasca de filme overrated pentru femei frustrate, si de slogane la fel de patetice gen "you're worth it", dar daca numai pentru o clipa ne gandim la "why wouldn't you be worth it?" (care intrebare da, admit, poate fi interpretata la fel de siropesc), concluzionam - sper - ca de fapt dropping it and moving on to a different angle poate fi mai recomandat decat a insista in ceva care stie naiba unde duce si, mai grav, erodeaza ceva ce odata era sanatos.
Terminand divagarea mesianica, trebuie sa recunosc ca vreau sa grow young a bit. A salta pasi in ciclul de invatare poate echivala cu a progresa, dand crezare mitului unui Fat-Frumos care "crestea intr-o luna cat altii-n trei ani". Desi progresul e temporar (ca si cum Fat-Frumos s-ar fi dopat cu steroizi, si-apoi la o varsta inca tanara ar fi ramas ba impotent, ba cu muschii transformati in valuri valuri de tesut adipos, cah!). Riscul de a regresa e mereu la panda cand nu faci lucrurile la timpul lor, adica le traiesti cu o era mai devreme. De exemplu daca plonjezi intr-o "relatie serioasa" (as opposed to what normal people do in their teen ages), dupa ce iti trece "seriozitatea" tot in piscina cu lucruri "light" ajungi. Buba rasare inca inainte sa ajungi in acolo. Buba e insasi faptul ca discrepanta serios-neserios cantareste greu in favoarea lucrului temeinic, serios, de durata. Si dracu stie de ce pasul asta de la seriozitatea la ceva usor e vazut ca fiind un regres?! Nimeni n-a zis vreodata ca pe scara evolutiei o "relatie serioasa" e mai sus decat un o abordare 'take it easy'. Si de fapt in clipe din astea iti dai seama ca ce numeai ieri progres, vazut in unghiul luminii de azi, e un pas inapoi, pentru ca odata ce te debarasezi de el, vine toata suita de lucruri pe care le-ai saltat in trecut. Ca si cum tineretea ti-ar apartine doar pe jumatate acum, pentru ca vine fara crezul puternic si autentic in lucrurile usoare (a se interpreta in lumina antonimului "serios")
Upgrading to a one night stand, cine a mai auzit de asa ceva? Why do we all assume upgrading is about seriousness? There has to be a balance between burden and lightness, there has to be an unbearable lightness somewhere, somehow.
OK, dar mie toate astea-mi suna a cunoastere de sine. Pai da, sinele e singurul lucru pe care daca ajungem sa-l cunoastem, il putem si controla. Cu tot cu o tona de rabdare, mereu ne ramane un grad neatins, acel al 360-lea grad pe care nu-l putem accesa pt ca nu locuim in pielea nimanui altcuiva decat a noastra.
Mica nota bene: pentru cei care nu cred in fericirea la singular, am doua poze.
Decideti voi care e mai "fericita" (pentru ca in final despre asta este vorba in propozitie, despre the way we approach this little word 'happiness' and the way we decide to pursue it).
How it has come to this, I have never quite understood. Perhaps, i do. Logically, it is quite possible, in fact, inevitable that it came to this. I am sometimes tempted to be romantic -ok, rarely, but I sometimes am-(and for the sake of threading a perfect novel piece) to say that my heart don’t understand. But the truth is, my heart understands; in fact better than my mind. Months ago, even when laughter and conversation were ample, my heart had already began to beat the shuddery, shadowy beat. It is very much like music; if you were to listen carefully, you’ll hear the faint but definite background pulse going hand in hand with the main composition. That was precisely the case: the main tempo was the joyful, lighthearted beat (oh, how many times a day would I break into a laughter; crack a smile; lean on you and felt safe?) But vague and definite, the shadowy beat of guilt and uncertainty came along side the main tempo. Yes, my heart knew better; discerned better; in fact, much better than my mind would ever.
But it is precisely the sensitivity of the heart that makes it such a contradiction. It understands best for it is most sensitive to the changes in the tides of relationships: foreseeing these changes long before they occur; but yet, because of its sensitivity, it will hurt infinitely. The heart is a muscle, thus, it will ache; it will tire. The mind: a mass of nerves coldly detects, interprets and signals. It cannot tire or hurt.
And how i wished that my heart and my head worked together, flawlessly as a team: that the heart will sense and discern long before any disaster befall and the mind will logically persuade and convince the heart to evacuate from the place of danger. But alas! it is not so at all. The heart and mind, so often, so fantastically mix up their roles and play each other’s part that one is led to walk straigt into disaster, sit there in the middle of it all and not budge. The best part is: we tell ourselves, we have to endure and persevere through the pain. Now, you may wonder how is it possible that the heart and mind mix up their God given, divine roles? But is it not true? The mind does not properl our thoughts forward logically; instead it plays the nostalgic role of the heart and constantly stirs up memories of happier days, bad fights and should-have-been-long-forgotten-but-left-unforgotten pasts alike. And the heart? It illogically persuades and convinces us to make decisions and choose paths. No wonder we stay in the middle of crises to endure when all that we ever needed to do to stop the pain was to walk away.
Now, i have analysed the reason for pain; for sustained periods of gried and the factors that lead one to be “stuck in a moment” (U2) BUt is it of any practical use to me? Not quite. Except that i made a resolution to write this piece titled “Final Goodbyes” (Note: “goodbyes” not goodbye”. Because this is not the first time i said goodbye to this friendship or say it to you aprosophically and neither would it be the last. Until my mind and heart learn to play their own roles dutifully, uncompromisingly, and accurately, i will have to keep saying goodbyes)
“We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun”
How apt that everything is written in the past tense; but why then do we keep singing this song?
Because of the confusion of the heart and mind; that is why. And so we will just have to keep saying goodbyes.